my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
