He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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