My liver just broke up with me...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
