i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
