when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
