You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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