I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
