Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
