All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
