I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
