oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
