Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
