I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
