think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
