The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
