Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
