so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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