Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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