I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
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