my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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