u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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