please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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