what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
