i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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