We got so high we made milksteak
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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