Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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