Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
