Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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