Don't make out with my wife yet
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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