Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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