Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
