BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
