I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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