it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
