At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
