I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
