life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
