God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
