We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
