he shaved USA in his pubs
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
