I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need a burrito and a hug.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
