We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
