This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
