do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
