so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
