tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
