i need an iv and a liver transplant
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
