Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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