i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
