funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
