I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
