my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
