I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
