everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
