my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
