I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
