For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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