I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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