Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I die, sorry about rent.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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