His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
