i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
