After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
